Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A stark reminder

Seeing all this snow in the valley reminds me of a night I will never forget. 

I'm writing this not only to tell those who have not yet heard this story, but to have it documented so I will never forget the details of this night. Also, to be able to tell my grandchildren, and to use as a lifelong reminder so it won't happen again.

It all began one snowy night in Lewiston, Idaho. Huge, beautiful snowflakes were coming down and the sky was being lit up by the white ground making the night one to remember....

Snowy nights are rare in these parts, so Hottie Hubs and I decided to make the most of it. No, we didn't make naked snow angels, but close. We decided to go skinny dipping in my parents' hot tub. They were somewhere on the Kona Coast enjoying the opposite climate and we were plant watering/showering Miller on that fateful Sunday. It was a spur of the moment decision and we didn't have our swimsuits. But we're married yo! (thank goodness, because this story would have had a drastically different ending)

You see, the hot tub sits on its own balcony about 15 feet or so up (at the time I would have sworn it was 30 feet high), with no stairs leading down. And of course, there's just the one door off of the master bedroom leading to the balcony. I grabbed a towel right before we opened the door so our feet wouldn't freeze to the ground after we got stepped out of the tub. And immediately after shutting the door behind me, I knew. I knew that the door I just shut behind me was locked. And that every other door to my parents house was locked as well. And that we were standing there naked as jay birds about to get into a very hot relaxing tub. Exit romance, enter comedy.  So as fast as two bareskinned people can think in freezing, snowing weather, my hubs dangled my bare buns over the balcony railing and dropped me into the snow. Then threw the one towel over.  I distinctly remember as I landed (on my two feet thank God) seeing deer tracks in the snow right next to where I landed. 

Where am I going at 10pm with no clothes on?  And what is Rodney doing while I'm out being naked in the streets? Both great questions with equally great answers.

Thank thee dear Lord I knew the neighbors (of course, its Lewiston for cryin out loud). So when they heard a knock and saw me standing there with only a towel on, they let me in. Coincidentally they've been in a similar predicament.  And by similar I mean they have a deck with the same dumb locking door.  I'm pretty sure their story didn't involve winter or nudity (but I didn't ask for details).  MEANWHILE......Rodney's relaxing in the hot tub, because what else was he to do?!?!?

I needed the house key. My 95 year old grandpa and my (out of town at the time) sister were the only ones in this town with one. Awesome.  I called my uncle hoping he had a key, but he didn't. But he DID ask why I needed one right this instant and why it couldn't wait until the morning to get Papa's copy. I'm pretty sure I left some private parts out of the story.

For some reason my sister wasn't answering her phone.  I think she may have just been getting back into town.  So I called my mom, told her the situation briefly, and said I needed to get to a key asap.  I will never forget her response.  "Are you naked?????" 

Was I getting punk'd?  Was this some sort of sick joke? Did someone see my naked ass dangling from the balcony and got to my mom before I had a chance to???? Would Batman and Robin get the joker?

No, she's just a mom and has crazy mom intuition. I said, "Well, as a matter of fact I am, how did you know?"  I must of had a sense of naked urgency to my voice. 

So she suggested that I either drive to my sisters house unannounced (because she figured she just wasn't answering her phone at this time of night) or go wake up Papa.  Since now I was wearing a fancy bath robe courtesy of Ms. Neighbor, I decided to try my sisters rather than waltz into an old folks home after hours.  I remember the akward drive to my sisters house with the Mr. Neighbor, just praying that she was going to be home. She opened the door laughing at my robe. What are sisters for?  I quickly told her the story, knowing I would go into more fascinating details in the morning. Off with the key and off to get that (even more now) needed soak in the hot tub!!

BUUUT when I got back to the house and out to the hot tub balcony of shame, Hottie Hubs was now a prune and was more than ready to get out and said something to the effect of "I've seen this on '1001 Ways to Die', I gotta get OUT!" 

(Can I ask why a doornob would "feel" unlocked from the inside but truly be locked from the outside? And why the doorknob needed to be locked in the first place? That's what deadbolts are for!)

 I love to think about the "what ifs" of that story.  What if I didn't know any neighbors?  What if we had no towel? What if we had no key? What if the hot tub was cold? What if I didn't land on two feet? 

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